Throughout my life, I’ve always wondered “is this who I really am?!”, especially in moments of deep self-loathing and negativity. When I couldn’t control myself – with things like my gluttony, greed, selfishness, judgements, stubbornness, childish behaviours and anger (to name just a few!) – I found myself cycling into self-loathing. I couldn’t accept that this was the way I was, not being able to have any self-control or any discipline or a shred of positivity.
How could this be me?
How can I live like this?
I loved learning about many topics like science, philosophy, religion, truth, politics, art, history. I would learn as a way of trying to understand myself and then better myself. Often, I would read or watch things that would blow my mind wide open, but following those initial feelings, there was never any real change. Just the ecstasy of knowing there was a better way, but not actually being able to become it.
When I was studying Architecture at Curtin University, I was reading a book called The Nature of Order by Christopher Alexander and Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, which spoke about how the past self was an illusion. 1 day, completely out of the blue, the idea of my “self” in my mind completely disappeared. This surge of energy rushed up through my spine, and my heart burst open and my third eye blew right open. In that instant, I became one with the Body and Mind of the Universe and could see true reality!
Ah!!!! This is who I am!!! This infinite and eternal Universe! Everything is God, and God is our Mother and Father!!!.
It was pure ecstasy and bliss. There was only love, and positivity. I saw only God. All the religions made sense, and "I" (consciousness of God) knew everything. I was completely free from the shackles of my past self – I had absolutely no concept of a “self”. This is what enlightenment was!
However, this state of mind only lasted for 2 weeks before that past, old “self” crept back into my mind and I began to doubt what it was I was seeing.
Am I delusional?
Am I crazy?
That doubt eventually consumed me, and my negative, past, old self eclipsed my mind, and that Light within was covered up again.
So how could I find my True Self and live as my True Self? How could I stay there?
It was not until I was handed a brochure for this meditation method that the way became clear. When I opened the brochure and saw the rainbow of the mind world, and how it showed clearly the construct of the false self and that if I just discarded it, I would find that True Self within. It instantly resonated with me and touched my heart. I then and there decided I would need to do this meditation.
But as with all things in my life, first I overanalysed it. I looked at other forms of meditation, particularly Transcendental Meditation. After researching it, I couldn’t understand how just repeating a mantra would help me remove all the negativity from my mind, so I decided I’d give this meditation method a try. At first, it took me a while to grasp the method. With my mind of over analysing, I tried to work everything out myself – but then I began to realize, wasn’t that all coming from my past false self? If I was to truly get the most out of this meditation I had to surrender.
Over the years, as I learnt to surrender, I learnt to trust the method and the Universe and truly let go of the negativity in my mind and all the falseness I had stored up from the life I had lived, along with the minds I was born with like my deep rooted habits and this sense of a body. Slowly but surely, I have been returning to that precious state I had once been graced with seeing. Slowly but surely, as the false self disappears, there is only that infinite Oneness. There is only our true parents – the Great Universe itself that is our Mother and Father! The Emptiness and Consciousness, the Spirit and Soul, the Yin and Yang, as the Oneness. As God. There is nothing else but this.
And so I have devoted my life to helping others see this and discover it. I am only a messenger of the meditation founders who were the first ones to discover this and bring this method into the world. I’m not great and I’m not special, and to know that, is extremely difficult, but extremely liberating. To be the True Self – that Oneness – how can anyone stand out above the rest? It’s not possible. We all have our differences, our talents and abilities, and this is what life is all about – living together forever in that eternal Oneness. Coexistence.